Monday, June 27, 2011

The Burden of Butterflies

A dream came...I was caring for my parents, elderly, infirm, they needed me. I was their helpmeet. Washing, cleaning, cooking, nursing care...loved being with them. As they aged, I felt a lump/bump on my shoulders/back. It began to swell and grow. I wondered why no one noticed. Parents continued to age, needed care, and the lump continued to increase in size. Covered it with my sweater, tried to make sure no one noticed it. Turned my body in a position away from others so they wouldn't notice. Continued to grow. Father died. Grief. Burden continued to grow. Felt heavy but others didn't seem to notice so as long as I kept my back turned I felt I had hidden it. Mother needed more care. Loved being with her, caring for her. Gentle relationship. Tender. Burden on my back/shoulders got heavier. Turned away so she wouldn't notice. Looked in the mirror. I could see it. Wondered why others couldn't. Mother died. Lonely. Continued to care for children in my home. Burden grew. Felt grief. Wondered why the burden had grown so large but I could still function, do what was expected, felt joy but confusion over why the burden was so large and yet seemed invisible to others. Finally died. Went to heaven. It was a large open field, full of wildflowers. Saw God at the edge of the field. Ran to Him. As I ran, burden jostled on my back like a heavy backpack. Yet so happy to see Him. Let Him hold me and hug me in His arms. Felt overwhelming joy and rest in His arms. He held my face, asked me why I looked troubled. Still had burden like a heavy weight on my back. I told him I didn't understand why I had struggled so ...that I carried this burden in my earthly life and it had become a heavy but invisible weight for so long. He reached down to the ground, picked up a blade that had the color of bone. He reached for the backpack-shaped burden on my back and tore a wide hole in the canvas. Out of the burden flew hundreds and hundreds of butterflies. Every color under the sun. I wept. He told me the burden I had carried was the most beautiful thing about me...what I saw and felt as a weight was his beautiful gift to me. I understood His perspective for the first time. What I perceived as difficult, even unbearable, was beautiful in His sight. I woke up from my dream...

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